so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
