Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
