I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
My liver just had a heart attack.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
