i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I supernannyed him into submission
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
