This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
