When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
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If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
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Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.