Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.