im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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