We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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