Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Two words: blizzard sex
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
