dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
