I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
