I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
P.S. I can't hear my feet
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
