Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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