A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
