Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Randomize
