there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
