She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
