so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
