so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Randomize
