can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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