Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
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