Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
