peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
