Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
