Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Just pee around me
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
