Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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