so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
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Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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