Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
