His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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