2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
