Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Randomize
