I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I met the friendliest cop last night
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
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Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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