Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
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