its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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