Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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