So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
