So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
