theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
