I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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