Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Randomize
