I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
there is glitter all over my balls
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
