You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
