My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
as a side note pls kill me
soo... how was my night?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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