That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Randomize
