I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
