Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
