youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
