She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
