Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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