She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
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