What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Randomize
