there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
