Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
